It was a calm, balmy night in Phoenix, Arizona. Heading into the night, my trusty nostrils scented out the Rush 2 Rush Cafe, sister of the Rush Rush café, and I was on my way. Upon entering I was greeted with a big “Howdy” from Big Jake and soon to follow I heard greetings from Subie. My blonde and sweet was underway by the time I reached the counter. I had arrived and was in my loop.

Wherever I might land it is always a delight to watch highly trained staff handle the nuances of our collective and individual psyche. Subie and Big Jake were busy spinning mixers, laughing and dealing with each customer as if they were the only human present. Often taken lightly these are skills that require a considerable amount of training and awareness. The entire staff must be aware of the whole establishment, cash transactions, spills, seatings, personalities and more. When properly done it is a sight and experience to behold. I was musing on this when a memory of days past wandered through my mind.

At the time of this memory, I was working at a tourist palace in San Francisco which is perched on the cliffs overlooking the ocean. At that time there were two bars on location. The larger was for the more rambunctious patrons and was by far the larger of the two with twenty bar stools and at least as many tables. The other consisted of the lounge and a service bar which served the dining room and lounge with three bar stools. This particular evening I was practicing my trade at the lounge. Among the clientele present was an Italian wedding party with many of the attendees, most particularly the father of the bride, visiting from the East Coast. As is often the case with such parties members started to wander. While this was happening one of the staff was enjoying his post shift drink. Now Surf, the staff member, being of Irish descent was a bit outspoken yet friendly to all within reach. The husband of the sister of the bride and Surf fell upon each other like lost souls. His wife came upon this scene in her searches for him and asked in a quiet voice when he would be rejoining the party. “Later” was the reply. He then commented to Surf that if someone would take her for a quarter he would be pleased for the relief. Unknown to him, she was still standing at his hindquarters. Surf in the same vein commented that all he had was a nickel and didn’t think it a good deal. A sob escaped the little lady and she was off to the wedding party.

All the while, I was busy with my trade when a presence loomed behind the wandering husband. Here was a very well dressed, but upset, father whispering into his son-in-laws ear. The gist of this conversation was the father telling the son-in-law to get his ass in the car. Next the shadow now fell upon Surf. Did I mention the two quiet gentlemen that accompanied the father of the bride wherever he went? They were very unobtrusive standing back with hands crossed and very still expressions. I notice that the Surf wasn’t up. It was definitely a receding tide. Beads of sweat were forming on his brow and hands were showing a tremor. In the corner of my eye I see the staff from throughout the palace gathering to add to the storm. With the calm of Capt. Ahab, I beckon for the manager and politely requested that the lurking troops go back to their duties until the storm passes. Quizzically, he consents. As the barometer continues to rise, the options are considered. With steady movements, my mind races. I seek out past words of wisdom. What pearls can cover such a situation. Meanwhile, Surf still shrinks while whispers are ringing in his ears. Defuse, defuse, defuse is all I can think of while Surf sweats. Divinely inspired, I reach for a bottle of Remy Martin! Two brandy snifters are heated. All the while, I feel the eyes of those in attendance upon me. Setting the goblets upon the bar I pour two wholesome drinks. With his companions watching my every move the father calmly eyes me. I answer the question in his eyes with a nod while sliding one of the cordials toward him. He steps toward me and I hear, “What’s this?” With a poise gathered from who knows where, I answer, “It’s been a long night.” Father’s response was a question. “You’ll take care of him?” is all he said. “Oh yes I will!” was my answer. I mean this was a serious breach of customer courtesy and almost the breaking of my bones! The drinks were finished with nods from the father and his two friends and they were on their way. All were pleased, even Surf started breathing. My last thoughts before fainting from lack of breath was that honor was maintained, dignity restored with each having “face” saved and that the Social Contract really did work. And then all went black.

The moral of the story? Choose one. I will leave that up to you, dear reader.

Meanwhile, Keep smiling,

Gump’s Brother

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

Mark Twain

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